Thoughts On MySpace

The free MySpace Franz show had me thinking…

I’ve developed this theory that anything you write on MySpace instantly becomes 150% more idiotic just by the mere fact that you are writing it on MySpace. Example? When you type “E = MC2” into your profile it is automatically is converted into “1 + 2 = 3” by a backend computer program, I swear!

You ever look at the profile of someone you don’t know and just go, “Holy crap, this person is an IDIOT!” Then have you gone and looked at your own profile and read it as if you didn’t know yourself and realize, “Oh my lord, I sound like a dipsh-t!”

Is there a way of creating a MySpace profile that doesn’t make you look pathetic to a stranger? I think it’s humanly impossible. Maybe if you didn’t write anything…but then it would just look like you don’t have any interests or worse, someone would base their opinion on you by the inside joke comments your friends left–which are usually 10x worse than anything you could write about yourself.

Basically reading a stranger’s MySpace profile is like watching a WB teen drama, you’re almost immediately disgusted, but you cannot look away. You start learning things about these tiny little icon people…where they grew up, where they went to school, where they work, what they watch on TV, etc.

Then you end up clicking on their friend’s pages and so on and so on in the pursuit of finding some substance in the midst of a never-ending catalogue of vanity until you end up staring at A) a picture of an unidentifiable body part or B) a grainy, greenish self-portrait of a 14-year-old emo kid looking at his/herself on the computer screen. It is at that point that you get so sick to your stomach that you close the browser, run to the bathroom, dry heave and wash your eyes out with soap.

Then you log on the next day and do the same exact thing all over again.


Published by Laura

I run The Modern

27 replies on “Thoughts On MySpace”

  1. someone would base their opinion on you by the inside joke comments your friends left–which are usually 10x worse than anything you could write about yourself.

    dude if you’re going to talk about me why don’t you just come right out and say it?!?!?!?

  2. Right on……..very well put. Myspace has a way of sneaking up on you…..Afer a while you really question what it is your doing with your time…..I enjoyed reading what you had to say and am happy that i’m not the only one who feels this way about it.

  3. it will catch EVERYONE eventually, i’m quite sure that one day there will be little kids in africa that can’t even get hold of food or water will have their own myspace profile.

  4. i AM one of those starving kids in africa, and yes, i DO have myspace.

    my 11 and 12 yr old godkids have myspace, and all their 6th and 7th grade friends take slutty pictures of themselves on their camaraphones and put them on myspace. um… thats messed up. my space is making gradeschoolers dumb and slutty.

  5. The only thing myspace is good for is the music and getting to know the bands, but once you hit the idea of talking to your friends through commenting, rather than calling them on the phone, or even IMing them, you know you have hit rock bottom.

  6. Merrie: You mention talking to friends via phone or IM . . . have you forgotten about face-to-face entirely? 😉

  7. I think MySpace is a work of genius. It provides a service to disenfranchised, bored people everywhere. However, it’s only as good as the person who creates their profile. I’ve met some incredibly amazing people there. There are great Occult/Metaphysical Forums, Poetry pages, Page of great Philosophers, etc. The problem is that people under 18 really shouldn’t be there glutting the pages … turning it into a kiddie meat market for perverts. Hopefully, things will change — until then, I’ll go on for an hour a day and share ideas and interesting opinions with my new friends. I’ve already been invited to Paris, and my best friend just landed a record deal thanks to MySpace. It’s not all bad.


  8. but seriously, before MySpace I could count the number of my true friends with one hand. Now I have 4579 friends??!?! Thanks MySpace!

  9. I think the reason you (or anyone) even have a myspace account is because there is something seriously, genetically, psychologically and frighteningly wrong with you. You honestly think that by writing a less-than-funny article about how stupid myspace is will negate the fact that YOU ARE ONE OF THESE LOSERS? Nope. Nice try. Would have been funnier if you were the first to try such tactics. This line of thought has been played and, frankly, is now as trendy as myspace itself. So, double points for you, moron! What else can you talk about? Perhaps you can catch the whole “Snakes On A Plane” phenomenon? Oh, oh… one word (that should be two) YouTube. There you have it. Congratulations on losing at the internet… and life. Btw, your choices in Music, Movies, Television, Books and Heroes are quite, umm, predictable. Find some new “cool” stuff… if you can’t find anything cool (which translates to “Thinking for myself scares me”), make some shit up. Say your favorite band is the Redneck Baby Aborters… favorite movie is “I can’t remember the name but it had to do with social stigmas, gays, 9/11, peace, civil rights and chewing gum… oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan was in it.”

  10. um, Laura? I think I speak for bloggers everywhere who have to read this kind of “Excuse me while I school you” bullshit comment every third post when I say, Fuck off. Quit working out your teenage angst over being out with the in-crowd, in public forums.

  11. someone would base their opinion on you by the inside joke comments your friends left–which are usually 10x worse than anything you could write about yourself.

    I was in denial until you mentioned this and immediately flashes of my own inside joke comments took off right before my eyes.

    These inside jokes even include vague references to Angels In the Outfield and I’m still not going to delete my profile… because it hurts so good.

  12. Um, Julia… Wow. All these years of therapy and you’ve completely solved all my problems. I can only thank you for such a valid and thoughtful comment! It’s interesting that you can speak for “bloggers everywhere”… I think that might be an elaboration, but I’m hoping not because it would be FASCINATING to have pinned down the “QUEEN BLOGGER”; the one who speaks for us all! Isn’t the reason bloggers have a comments section for, well, comment? Or perhaps they’re just for ass-licking, brown-nosing, self-loving… well, you get the point I’m trying to make, Queen; afterall, you speak for me! I am your humble servant and will diligently work on fixing those problems you spoke of… something about teen angst… yes… Queen Blogger speaks about teen angst. Well done! Great post! May I kiss your ass? May I please have another? Don’t fret, however, your position is safe in your boxed-in world. My problems consist on having some sort of opinion other than the one stated… I’ll start working on that, lover.

  13. whoa wait a second miss m. age, i don’t really get into my space all that much either, but those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Your site is kind of like my space…you know…it’s annoying yet suprisingly addictive…and despite the fact that I claim to hate both, I always find my self surfing through them.

  14. wait, im confused why is miss modernage posting links that make fun of emo when she listens to fall out boy, and of all things Avril Lavigne…hmmm…

  15. Thank you for your post. I completely agree. Myspace makes me sick. I have come to the realization that there are 6 different types of Myspace users:

    1) The Self Absorbed Moron: These people blog or send comments to others about where they go, what “cool” things they do, their take on reality or their “inner self”. They brag about all the unknown/different music they listen to and the obscure TV channels that they watch.

    2) The Wannabe Model: These ladies or gents usually post “professional” seductive pics of themselves online and then “GASP” ponder why their face is coming up in some online porn pic somewhere. Also, these myspace models are often openly offended by all of the strange guys that try to become their “friends”. Hmmm. I wonder?

    3) The Oldie (aka: I want to re-live my high school years): The typical comment to people on their “friend” page “Wow, I can’t believe I found you on Myspace remember back in high school when…”

    4) The Intellectual Blogger/Comment fiend: (need I say more, you know the type)

    5) The Alcoholic/Pothead or the AA: These people either a) have a picture of themselves chugging down a beer, bottle of Jack or doing a bong hit. Sometimes, they actually have a picture of a liquor bottle as their profile. (Yes, we get it people, you drink) Reality, you are not “special” because a bottle of Johnny Walker is on your profile. The AA writes about how they used to drink,smoke weed etc. Or, they blog funny little stories about how stupid others look when they are drunk.

    6) The Sex or Violence Sickos: These people even get on the nerves of the morons that I mentioned earlier. They are bottom feeders who seem to never leave their houses, rooms or maybe jail cells? – as their Myspace icon typically shows that they are online (all the time).

    Just a side note: I LOVE it when Myspacers talk about wanting privacy. That makes me laugh! The good news about the myspace age is…that now when a seemingly desirable guy/girl asks you on a date, you can check out his/her myspace account. and find out if he/she falls into any of the above categories before wasting your time!

    Bottom Line: Myspace= Socialphobia

    My challenge to anyone who cares to read this: come up with some categories that I didn’t mention ~ You might even find a category for me (Myspace Hater)

    Much Love to you all ~

  16. i was one of the people that had an adult talkin to me

    o ya who gives a shit, if people really cared if they were talkin to somebody older than them they wouldnt go on u fuckin crackheads

  17. i find it pretty funny how you all give a shit when you supposedly ‘hate’ myspace

    some people just need something to do

    it’s just as bad talking about how much you ‘hate’ it


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