Oscar Updates by the Minute

Aw yeah! Right now I’m scooping someone’s wi-fi so I can blog and watch TV at the same time. Lucky me, because right now I’m watching the Academy Awards…I’ll be updating as long as the free wi-fi keeps coming. Here’s to the movies!

Uh oh. There’s some movie montage going on which basically looks like the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow movie posters. Is this a bad sign?

Opening.. Billy Crystal and Chris Rock, Steve Martin, Whoopi, Dave, Mel Gibson, Mr. Moviephone, Jon Stewart and Halle Berry, George Clooney. Big huge sign that says “JON STEWART” on the marquee for the people who are watching a movie awards show but apparently have no idea who the host is.

Um, is Catherine Keener checking her Sidekick behind Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Charlize not amused by sweatpants joke.

Why is Kiera Knightley sitting next to Jack Nicholson? Is it in his contract that he must sit next to someone under the age of 25?

Best Supporting Actor. STOP SAYING “OR” Nicole!! You’re killing me…OR I’m loving it.

Clooney gets the Oscar. Man, they start the playing the music right away now. I would love to see someone sing their acceptance speech.

Right now Ben Stiller is moving around looking like Kermit the Frog after eating too much candy. I’m laughing…but I’m not sure why. Is it the Jon Stewart effect?

It’s Reese looking adorable wearing a white and gold dress. I don’t know who designed it, but let’s just hope Kirsten Dunst hasn’t worn it first!

Helena Bonham Carter, what the HELL is going on with your prom queen/big country star hair and powder-blue bridesmaid dress? Oh my lord.

Naomi Watts looks like she got her nude colored Givenchy dress caught in a shredder! Who knew that she admired Dolly Parton her whole life…er…

Ohhh snnaap! Baldwins! Which two? Alec, Danny, Billy, or Stephen?

Oh how cute!! Martin McDonaugh, the award-winning Irish playwright, just won for Best Live Action Short.

I forgot Jennifer Aniston made movies until just now.

Why is Atwood, who just won for Best Costume Design, wearing a less-than-flattering black and blue sash thing with a slit down the leg? Oh deary me.

Steve Carrell looks like the Emcee from Cabaret. Aww! It’s Sondre Tumnas!

Stewart just made a comment about “the very clothed Rachel McAdams”…which made me immediately think of the Vanity Fair cover shoot she stormed out of when asked to pose nude.

Awww! Michelle Williams is so cute, looking lovingly at Heath. And I love that she wore color. Woah! Who is that awesome little kid in the pimping all-white suit in the front row?!!? Rachel Weisz follows Catherine Zeta Jones’s tradition of beautiful European preggy actresses to win Best Supporting Actress. Adore her. Let’s just hope she doesn’t start doing T Mobile commercials.

I think I just fell in love with the idea that Pink TAB is being marketed as an energy drink. PS- Nothing says “Oscar” like JC Penney.

Lauren Bacall…I love you and all the crazy comments you’ve made about Nicole Kidman, but all the stuttering and awkward pauses is making me a little uncomfortable. 🙁

I love these Best Actress fake smear campaigns. Dame Judy Dench totally did take that woman’s eye out.

Terrence Howard is so fine, but does anyone else kinda wish his voice was just a shade bit deeper? I’m getting David Beckham flashbacks. That “thank you for seating me next to George Clooney at the Nominees luncheon” comment was awesome.

Charlize looks like she’s got a olive green satin ice pack on her left shoulder and her hair is very 1950s housewife. The Dior frock is so tumor dress by Starr from Project Runway Season One! But I love the criss-crossing detail of the bottom half of the dress. Oh MY BEST! March of the Penquins just won and the docu makers are bringing stuffed animal penquins onstage!

Holy ultratan Jennifer Lopez! She’s blending into the golden background behind her.

OH NO THEY DIDN’T! They are doing an interpretive dance to the song from Crash. There’s a car frame on fire and everyone is moving in slow motion. This is brilliant. Will they do a slow-mo dance for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”?

Morgan Freeman is so bored with the last 15 minutes and the President of the Academy’s speech that he’s chewing on gum.

I cannot believe they let Salma Hayek appear without her MAPS (mujer amiga por siempre) Penelope Cruz. Her binding top sky-blue dress is beautiful, but girl has to stop flipping her hair out of her face!

I believe this is what they call the “slow” section of the night. Nothing exciting has happened for about 20 minutes. Salma! Stop flicking! It’s getting very Cher very quickly. Oh she’s so happy she got to say “Gustavo Santaolalla” en espanol.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that they just showed Penelope’s L’Oreal hair color commercial? VIVE LAS MAPS!

Why is Jessica Alba clutching her hands? Fotini just IMed me, “Who invited Jessica Alba to the Oscars?” “Jack Nicholson,” I responded.

WATCH: Jessica Alba and Eric Bana for Best Sound Mixing at the 78th Academy Awards

What’s sticking out of Meryl Streep’s back? Is that a mic pack? What’s wrong with the microphone in front of them? I love her dark plum dress with the beading detail on the bottom. She looks lovely. It’s been so long since she’s looked so elegant at an awards show.

Altman is accepting the Honorary Oscar. Zzzzz. Someone hand me the remote.

M. Night Shyamalan looks kinda cute in this American Express commercial. Holy crap, have I been watching this stuff too long?

Hahaha. Ludacrus is on the Oscars.

Oh NO! They ARE doing an interpretive dance of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”!!!! They just got bleeped on the Oscars. Umm…did they get a latino to play Djay?


Nice segway with Queen Latifah.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSsss!!!! PiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiMMMMP! Bleeeepppp! Oh this is so great! I have no idea what any of the Three 6 Mafia just said but it’s awesome.

WATCH: “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” performed by Three 6 Mafia at the 78th Academy Awards and Acceptance Speech

Jennifer Gardner–Helloooooo new mommy boobs! Whoops she just almost fell on her buttocks while catching her foot on the bottom of her dress. Nice save with “I do my own stunts!”

“Academy Award winner George Clooney.” Sweet.

Will Smith!?! Uh oh, he’s talking in foreign languages. Leave that stuff to Salma. Um…that Bangkok joke = not funny.

Tsotsi.com just got hit with a million web visits. I love how he’s all “Put the camera there bizotches!,” in not so many words. He just totally narrated his entire speech time limit. Yess!

Ziyi so pretty.

Oh btw- the boy all in white is Terrence Howard’s son. So fly.

Hils Swank is up. ANOTHER black dress!

PSH (Philip Seymour Hoffman) won. He so gets the Peter Jackson Award for best shlubbiness at the Oscars. Aww. He’s shaking…and repeating repeating repeating and JUST quoted Van Morrison and congrats to Mom!

Um, now would be a good time to admit that I once ran a Philip Seymour Hoffman fansite called “PSH Online: Bringing you our fill of…Phil” in 2000. Back when I used to be able to design stuff.

What did Heath just whisper to Michelle!?! “Now we can go get waaaaastteed!”

I so think John Travolta lent Tom Hanks his hair plugs. Um…that “and here we go” that was obviously from the control booth was creepy.

Oh snap, Reese just won for Best Actress!

Reese hasn’t thanked Ryan yet…don’t HIL SWANK!

Ok, phew! Wow! Major close-up! She’s so cute.

Um, did they just play “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera???

Doesn’t Dustin Hoffman present almost every year? And he totally just Rainman-ed on us and gave a shoutout to “everyone who didn’t win,” “Great work everyone! Great work!”

Oh nice! Brokeback Mountain wins for Adapted Screenplay.

Terrence Howard was just shaking his head and pointing, practically saying “that’s just not right,” as Robert Moresco gets cut off by the music and doesn’t get to say anything on TV after just winning for Original Screenplay for Crash. Damn you Haggis!

AHhaahha. Ang Lee just told Oscar, “I wish I knew how to quit you!” while accepting for Best Direction for Brokeback.

Here we go…Jackie is up…Best Picture…

Drummrooollll…. CRASH! Woah, they can’t believe it!! Phillippe is stoked!

Woah, horn section sweeps in and cuts of the speech. They gots to pay the bills before signing off at 11:30.

Goodbye and goodnight!

Published by Laura

I run The Modern Age.org

31 replies on “Oscar Updates by the Minute”

  1. I felt so sorry for Laren Bacall. I think it’s cruel they made her go out there and present.

  2. No comment on the lameness of the Jake joke about portable dvd players? His face was priceless.

  3. Crash? What are these people smoking? That was barely an after-school special, let alone Best Picture. What exactly did that movie stand for? Racism = bad. Ridiculous, unbelievable plot devices = good. Awesome. Gonna go make me an Oscar winner now.

  4. i totally enjoyed your blog of the Oscars, THANK YOU.
    i’m casting a new online music show and would love to talk to you about being a part of it, but don’t know how to get in touch with you other than this. please email me back and i can tell you about the project.
    and i disagree, CRASH was GREAT and deserved to win!!!!

  5. sweetie,

    great blog. i’m torn on the new ‘blurb’ thing you have going, but i like the content nonetheless.

    one observation: the guy who played DJay in the interpretive dance for ‘Pimp’ is the dude from… wait for it…. Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo!

    you asked…

  6. I think the song from the JC Penny commercial was by Emiliana Torrini, but I don’t know the title and I don’t think it’s on Fisherman’s Woman – which is her newest album as far as I know…

  7. I liked that song too! I don’t think it’s by Emiliana Torrini, though their voices are similar. I’ve checked through all her songs on her website and it’s not among them…

    Someone help!

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