I didn’t tune into the Grammys until 9pm, so I missed out on Madonna and Gorillaz. But it also seems as though I missed out on Coldplay‘s performance as well, where Chris Martin did his awesome Gollum from Lord of the Rings impression. Check it out, he’s such a funny joker, that Chris. Always the life of the party:
But I did tune in just in time to start projectile vomiting as Mary J. Blige sung “One” ridiculously out of tune with Bono. Seriously. It sounds like cats dying at the end.
Then I got to see Kanye West win for Best Rap album. Here’s a picture of him thanking his stylist for making his dream of being a gay mafia vampire (complete with black leather gloves) come true. “Look ma, no prints!”:
There was a really scary 2 minutes when a computer screen saver from 1992 and the giant video board from Coldplay‘s “Speed of Sound” video teamed up to attack Sir Paul McCartney during his performance. It was like no one could hear his screams but me. Here he is shouting for help:
I was terrified that Paul wasn’t going to make it, but then he stood up, grabbed a guitar and told the audience that he wanted “TO ROOOOCCKKKK!” and then I knew for sure that Paul McCartney is a freaking raving lunatic and I shouldn’t be worried for him, I should be worried for the safety of those around him. Here he is singing “Helter Skelter” at the freaking Grammys. I heard that Charles Manson was totally stoked.
When the Black Eyed Peas came on stage with the star of CBS’s “The Ghost Whisperer”, Jennifer Love Hewitt (who was looking more like the “Bad Hair Whisperer“), Taboo and Wil.I.Am called almost every Best Male R&B Vocalist nominee like Kanye West, Usher, and Jamie Foxx a “homie,” a “ninja”, or some other ridiculously unnecessary name, before making it very clear to everyone that the BEP are not BFF with Stevie Wonder, because they just straight up said his name with no further commentary.
I love me some Kelly Clarkson. I almost shed a tear when she won Best Pop Vocal album. J’adore. Clarkson is the only good artist to come out of American Idol. But one hint of advice: Girlfriend, don’t bring your purse onstage! It’s like your Antony from Antony and the Johnsons.
For me, the straw that broke the camel’s back was when that b-tch Joss Stone stole Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for the Sly and the Family Stone medley:
Then I had to watch “Project Runway” and get pissed at Santino for putting Kara in that crazy-glued mauve jumpsuit. But yay Chloe.