I Hate the Grammys

I didn’t tune into the Grammys until 9pm, so I missed out on Madonna and Gorillaz. But it also seems as though I missed out on Coldplay‘s performance as well, where Chris Martin did his awesome Gollum from Lord of the Rings impression. Check it out, he’s such a funny joker, that Chris. Always the life of the party:

coldplay grammys

But I did tune in just in time to start projectile vomiting as Mary J. Blige sung “One” ridiculously out of tune with Bono. Seriously. It sounds like cats dying at the end.

Then I got to see Kanye West win for Best Rap album. Here’s a picture of him thanking his stylist for making his dream of being a gay mafia vampire (complete with black leather gloves) come true. “Look ma, no prints!”:

kanye west grammys

There was a really scary 2 minutes when a computer screen saver from 1992 and the giant video board from Coldplay‘s “Speed of Sound” video teamed up to attack Sir Paul McCartney during his performance. It was like no one could hear his screams but me. Here he is shouting for help:

paul mccartney grammys

I was terrified that Paul wasn’t going to make it, but then he stood up, grabbed a guitar and told the audience that he wanted “TO ROOOOCCKKKK!” and then I knew for sure that Paul McCartney is a freaking raving lunatic and I shouldn’t be worried for him, I should be worried for the safety of those around him. Here he is singing “Helter Skelter” at the freaking Grammys. I heard that Charles Manson was totally stoked.

paul mccartney grammys

When the Black Eyed Peas came on stage with the star of CBS’s “The Ghost Whisperer”, Jennifer Love Hewitt (who was looking more like the “Bad Hair Whisperer“), Taboo and Wil.I.Am called almost every Best Male R&B Vocalist nominee like Kanye West, Usher, and Jamie Foxx a “homie,” a “ninja”, or some other ridiculously unnecessary name, before making it very clear to everyone that the BEP are not BFF with Stevie Wonder, because they just straight up said his name with no further commentary.

I love me some Kelly Clarkson. I almost shed a tear when she won Best Pop Vocal album. J’adore. Clarkson is the only good artist to come out of American Idol. But one hint of advice: Girlfriend, don’t bring your purse onstage! It’s like your Antony from Antony and the Johnsons.

For me, the straw that broke the camel’s back was when that b-tch Joss Stone stole Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for the Sly and the Family Stone medley:

joss stone grammys

joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat

Then I had to watch “Project Runway” and get pissed at Santino for putting Kara in that crazy-glued mauve jumpsuit. But yay Chloe.

Published by Laura

I run The Modern Age.org

12 replies on “I Hate the Grammys”

  1. coldplay sounded great.

    and i agree w/ u re: kelly. i’m sorry but ‘because of you’ was amazing last night.

    btw, when i saw antony last week, he was totally sporting the bag, yet again, what the hell is in it????

  2. “You know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay.” — from the 40 Year-Old Virgin

    Coldplay doesn’t often cross the transom of my little my mind, but I was flat out embarrassed for Chris and his lameness. His lame overgrown hair, his white sneakers, his girly run, his smugly condescending “fair trade” markings (I mean if you’re going to preach at me, at least have the decency to rock first. Look you’re making U2 look like valid rockers in comparison and that shit ain’t right!). . . . I could go on.

    They’re just so flaccid. I know Chris and Gwennie try to play it off like people say that because they’re mature and don’t party like mortal fools anymore . . . no, it’s because you are a couple of dull gasbags who suck the air out of the room. I’m almost glad these sexless monkeys have taken themselves out of the dating/party/rock pool, but now they just need to go away!

    Oh, and congrats to the White Stripes for winning another Grammy. How many is that now?

  3. according to a comment in another post, kanye west was dressed up like Scarface last night????? wtF? i’ve never seen the movie, so someone else is gonna have to help me out verifying the existance of a red shirt w/ white suit jacket in the movie.

    here’s two close pics of the purple suit:



    thoughts? besides “that’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard”

  4. i though the high point was when Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder did a little a cappella version of “Higher Ground.”

    The worst moment was watching Madonna prance around in her leotard. Her hair was a very bad Farrah Fawcett – someone needs to tell her that no one wants to look at her over-exercized fortysomething body – it’s just icky!

  5. I agree about Mary J. Bilge (sic). Her singing was just terrible and completely off-key. I think Bono knew it too.

  6. Dude! That jumpsuit was hot. I liked it. And poor boy didn’t get to finish it because he was helping the lackluster kara. Her whole outfit was his idea and he looked great in it! Ok, I must stop, I could rant about PR forever.

  7. Um Santino was a freaking control freak and decided it was much more important to be-little someone and boss them around than actually work on his own garment, which would have looked like crap no matter what. I’m SO OVER Santino.

  8. What nearly killed me was when that fool from Linkin Park RUINED the Beatles “Yesterday”. I couldn’t believe he was butchering the song with Sir Paul McCartney sitting right there in the audience, but then! THEN! McCartney came out and validated the whole debacle by joining him! Why? Just, WHY?!

  9. And here I thought only Kurt Lagerfeld (sic*) could pull off the “gay vampire from the future” look. But, hey Kanye good for you! Whatever John Legend likes I guess…

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