HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO…KARAOKE

Last night we sang karaoke. We sang “Hopelessly Devoted to You”, “Band of Gold”, “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”, “I Get Lost in Your Eyes”

I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE, I SEE PARIS’S…ORTHO-EVRA PATCH?

Newly single Paris Hilton seen out and about with a patch on her ass and bruises on her lip and arm. Now does she really use The Patch, or is she just trying to cover up the alleged “Nick” ass tatoo?

On the other hand, Nicole Richie is looking awesome!

Britney sports new “double boob” look with too-small bra.

People adore Greg MisShapes’ pink pants!

Lenny Kravitz appears in ads for GAP. Unclear if it is for GAP Women or Men.

Yoanna House from “America’s Next Top Model” finally appears in Sephora ads.

ATTACK OF THE CHEMICAL PEEL

Lindsay Lohan looking positively frightening due to the skin falling off her face. She’s either taking in too much sun, or she needs to lay off the facial treatments. Yuck!


Cammy D with a childhood mullet.

Madonna looking positively fit in a one-piece black Speedo suit.

WATCH OUT! KATE MOSS IS HIDING BEHIND THAT RAKE!

Vogue in search of an assistant to the Food Critic. We’re not suprised they have to pay someone to eat there.

Xtina tries selling Sketchers by dressing up like stock porn fantasies: a schoolgirl, a naughty teacher, a nurse…

I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY, “I WANT IT THAT WAY”


Paris Hilton and Backstreet Boy Nick Carter have called it quits!

LET’S TALK ABOUT LAST NIGHT

So here are some things that happened last night:



We watched The Simple Life 2. Nicole Ritchie is a serious comic genius!

We saw Elefant at the Bowery Ballroom.


So get this, the Bowery Ballroom was all like “No Cameras Allowed” for no apparent reason. Was someone having a bad hair day? So now you can blame the Bowery Ballroom for that horribly blurry picture to the right. That dude that was up at the front on the right shined a flashlight at us after we took this picture. What the hell?

They played a bunch of new songs, the names of which we know none of. Except “Michelle”, but that wasn’t even the new song we liked. Whatever song was the first new song they played, that one was kinda awesome. It had a more aggressive sound, more rock than the sorta pretty stuff they play.

Last night the lights were totally out of control! We swear to god we had fucking epilepsy after the show! How are we supposed to watch a band when gigantic stage lights are blazing back at us?!?!

Anyway, we haven’t seen Elefant is something like a year, so we wanted to see if the Diego Garcia’s repertoire of hand gestures had grown…and oh had it. Diego was throwing his arms around left and right.

We didn’t notice any of the “I’m too sexy I must fake faint now” gesticulation that was so prevalent back in the day, but there were new(?) ones–like there was this one where Diego would swing both arms in front of him, then in back of him. It reminded me of exercises all those old Chinese people do in the mornings by the courthouses downtown. Has Diego been inspired by the ancient art of Tai Chi?

Also of special note, Diego has upgraded his patented “softball toss” to include actually throwing stuff. During one inspired moment of insanity, Diego threw a full bottle of Poland Spring high up into the air–it landing somewhere up in the balcony. We shuddered in horror, “dear lord, that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen!” Luckily no one was hurt, in fact, some girl picked it up and raised it high above her head as she jumped up and down with glee.

The greatest hand movements of the night came during the last song. Diego started motioning to the audience, forcefully throwing his arms up in front of him as if he were trying to swoop his essence straight into heaven. If hand movements could talk, his would have said, “Rise humble servants! Rise up and bow down to your master! Pay respect for the reason you have joy in your life!” Then Diego started emphatically clapping for/to himself above his own head before exiting the stage.

It was soon after that particular display of arousing (yet slightly alarming) mad lunacy that we realized: Diego Garcia is the Don Quixote of the New York music scene. Entirely out there, incomprehensible, yet undeniably entertaining. You don’t even have to like the goddamn music! Diego Garcia is the show.

That said, we really feel that Elefant has grown into their own. Maybe it’s because we’ve grown so used to his over-the-topness, but Diego seems to be the real deal. “The Real Deal” meaning “really totally dilusional”, but that’s a good thing, because we think that front men should be a little bit nutters. We think that Diego lives in Diego Garcia World, where everything and everyone is beautiful, and Latin or something. We don’t know. We don’t live in Diego Garcia World, but it seems like a pretty awesome place to spend the rest of eternity. You’d just be swinging your arms around all day and hot chicks flock all around you.

If you happen to watch something besides Diego, even the other dudes in the band are interesting to watch now. Luckily the guitarist got a haircut since way back in the day when we saw him, because now we can actually see his face, instead of watching a human mop move around. (Btw- We think Diego could use a trim for maximum hotness.)

Oh, totally unrelated, but why the hell were there a bunch of hard-ass bitches in the audience last night? When we were going up to the front in the middle of the set to take a few pictures, we were getting these “you could not move me with a bulldozer” wentches who would not move an inch to let us by them. We have not been victim to such female fan hostility since that time we went to The Strokes show at Madison Square Garden Theater when we almost punched some girl because she was being totally ridiculous.

Later we went to International Bar with some friends. One of our friends brought up the claim that he can suck his own manmeat. This friend will remain anonymous, despite the fact that he said “nothing you could write on your Web site would embarrass me.” We know that this is a load of bullshit, because he’d be blushing like a schoolgirl if we posted his name. But out of the goodness of our hearts, we’ll let sleeping dogs lie.

Now this particular friend has casually claimed the ability to auto-suck before…several times, but frankly, we think he’s lying. Every time we’re like, “Ok, do it” he’s always got some lame excuse like “Ahh, no, I have to stretch first!” or “Ahh…I’m tired” or “Err…we’re sitting in a children’s playground!”



Our other friend mentioned that her friend was an EMT worker and he saw some guy who died while sucking on his own Johnson. Technically he died from auto-asphyxiation because he was also restricting his airway at the same time, but still, this dude was trying to suck his own lederhosen. Maybe we shouldn’t keep persuading our friend to carry out this impossible dream of sucking it himself. Can you imagine trying to do the Heimlich like that?

On the topic of weird sex, we’ve been trying to decode the term “15 pounds of fuck-puppy in a 10-pound bag” for weeks now. Rob, what does this mean? Are we supposed to fuck puppies? Are we supposed to fuck bags? Are we supposed to fuck puppies only after they’ve been stuffed in a small bag? What if we don’t like fucking puppies? What if we just like bunnies? You can see where this is going…

OH NO YOU DIDN’T!

Check out the dude behind Keira Knightly in the first picture. He totally just ate a mouse.

We here at The Modern Age think it’s so awesome that Jenna von Oy has finally found work as a 13-year-old pop singer.

WHITE BRITISH DUDE NEWS


Chris Martin talks about joke bands and The Streets; Mercury Prize Shortlist announced. Features The Streets, The Zutons, Snow Patrol, and Basement Jaxx.

TRYING YOUR LUCK


Saw the long-lost love of your life at Siren Festival on Saturday? Maybe they posted a Missed Connection.

HELLO HOTTIE!


Check out the Dah Len photos of Brody Dalle in the new issue of Interview. She’s got awesome orangey-shag hair. (It sounds a lot worse than it looks.) She’s also wearing some hot designer duds like Helmut Lang and Stella McCartney.