Reasons Why (AKA- The Most Amazing Thing You’ll Read Today):
oops posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 9:01:12 PM
exile on franklin street are 4-track recordings that i made in my jacksonville when i was home last. i find it strange that people are finding this on-line. guess i wont be putting these things out on lost highway now. whatever. i mean, i try and give everybody access to the board at my shows and i do everything i can for bootleggers at gigs, but this is alittle weird. somebody at lost highway is a rat. i love that you guys can listen to all this stuff but i guess its violating in a way. i mean, in my own time i hoped it would all come out. in any event, in case you were wondering, im doing one show this year, on the 4th of july, in nyc, the date is coincidental to the holiday as i could give a whole fuck, and thats all. im not doing anything else. in fact, im not putting the album out and im not going on tour. i think i quit. in fact, i know i quit. im going to be playing in a new band that i wont be singing in. thats all. the show will be awesome though. kinda a bloodletting for all the old songs. it sounds ridiculous im sure but i am really excited to not make records in the context i have been for awhile. ive been sorta graduating to being more of a guitar player anyway. i dont even like the sound of my own songs anyway. anyway. writing on here is always alittle strange i just figured people would be interested. enjoy the old stuff. p.s. i loved the cartoon cover for suicide handbook linked on here with the gun. very sick. i like. you guys take care. black flag and pinkillers. yah.
oops part two posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 9:14:41 PM
how strange is this… i got offered a deal to write a book, not about my life, but about whatever. i dont think ill use my real name or anything but people are actually into all this stuff ive been working on. of course its not a u.s. publisher but all the better. how disgusting is it here now anyway. i mean, its embarrasing even telling people youre from the united states anymore. ive been going to school for writing and taking some foreign language classes. my french is still pretty horrible but im going there next week for a whole month to study. i think im only gonna pack MELVINS records, or maybe howling wolf. i dunno. leona is sleeeping. her record is finally finished, she went back into the studio with ethan and the engineer of all those kick ass frank sinatra records and re-cut the singles. it sounds so incredible. i got this new laptop from the office. it kicks ass but i cant figure out how to open new files to write yet. maybe i need to put the disc in or something. im gonna go to that chat room on aol, the one called born again or christian something or other and tell them that god and satan made up so its okay and you can “go home” or whatever. i kinda believe that anyway but itll be funny. i am so out there. i got all this morrocan yum yum and its making everything very funny.
boo posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 9:28:20 PM
my boo, her record is dropping at the endd of july. itgs all self-titled snd shit like metallicas black aalbum or like THE BAND, THE BAND. its really that good. somebody asked me when in the last thread and i tried to respond but it put me in a new box. did anybody see all those horrible letters in the editor in Magnet magazine. one guy even said “hey ryan, think what suicide could do for your career” i was reading that in the record store thinking how funny it is that i stirred up so much shit by just playing a buncha stupid slow songs and running my mouth. people are so gullible. you feed them shit andd its all theyll eat. ridiculous. did anybody see Toby Keith on the Flame AWARDS? what a bunch of fucking rednecks. unbelievable. you could just feel years of bud lite and date rape dripping out of that room. fucking horrible. i couldnt keep my eyes off it.
Re: come on… posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 9:41:15 PM
im not drunk. im sitting at home trying to figure out this new laptop i got for writing. i can rightly lug around a manual typewriter. and i do quit. i so tired of it. im not pissy. i actually feel really good about it. its very liberating. i feel like a real person for the first time in for fucking ever. i walk around and i dont think music. i hang out with friends its all incredibly nice and theres only so many degrees between me and anybody else i know. now its more fun to go and see THEIR band or whatever. its not about me. quitting is awesome. its like i let go of thiss rope, this tug of war rope or whatever and whatever was on the other end fell and went away. the guitars in my apaartment dont peer at me asking me for new songs theyre just there. theyre nice to play. its all so commercial anyhow, making records. its like showing off or something and every single artisst who thinks they are trying to retain their purity and their integrity or whatever bullshit terms they think they are on, its all just a bunch of whoring crap. i dont think i like it very much. besides, all my favorite musical moments were so far from a studio or a stage. its really amazing this didnt happen sooner. i think i was just really good at pretending everything else waas the problem, anything but what my job was. so it sint my job anymore. im gonna get a real job. one i can answer up to. like there arent three thousand ways to sweep a fucking floor and people cant get angry with you when you paint a house or build a chair. you just fucking do it. its honest. anyway this is a tirade and i am entirely too high to be on here. im going into a chat room or something funny.but…nevertheless….its true. im not drunk. i quit. im gonna play guitar for somebody when im ready and im not gonna sing. i quit. and im not bitter or sad. im very fucking happy…thanks.
Re: you’re an asshole ryan…. posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 9:56:03 PM
yeah, youre right. it is sorta asshole of me, but i guess if im sounding vague its because i smoked an incredible amount of moroccan hash and its all dawning on me like that. but the whole FRENCH THING WAS MORE ABOUT THE NERD FACTOR of actually TAKING FUCKING CLASSES. so yeah im an asshole. i dont give a fuck anymore. see i dont have to take any of this personally anymore because its not my job to be ANYTHING to anybody. you know what place rocks ass. austrailia. austrailia rocks ass. i think i prefered melbourne to sydney but i was on alot of dope in sydney so its hard to remeber anything….although i went to this kick ass black-metal record store in the afternoon that i got there. that was the week that my friend died who i sold out.
Re: Ryan, if the albums done why not just release it? posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 10:31:40 PM
its crap. it sounds like what happens to you in new orleans and no i dont mean the drinks. nah, i like it. but you know, whatever. what should be the question of the moment is who is this person that im going to be playing guitar for. its not guns n roses. its not jesse, and as much as id like its not leona. but this ROCK FUCKING ICON i want to play guitar for. thats the question.
Re: Job offer posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 10:37:07 PM
i worked at BIG SKY BAKERY IN RALIEGH NC for 4 monmths. kneeding the dough. weighing and measuring dough balls. then i worked on an assembly line at NeoMonde Baking Factory pulling rolled edough balls of a factory belt onto metal sheets tt be poofed and then baked. fucking hard work. loved it. but i think im gonna do volunteer work. for awhile at least
Re: RYAN I’m sure you feel violated posted by RYAN on 4/9/03 10:54:20 PM
ive actually been believe it or not, working on screenplays for a movie company. i got the idea from somebody that already does it. we were out one night and i told him my idea for something and he thought it was ace. so thats been kinda fun i guess but my shit always goes donny darko or sci-fi. im crap at contemporary.
Re: this change??? posted by RYAN on 4/10/03 12:01:47 AM
although its sorta diminshing returns alot of the time, im not trying to be dramatic about it. im just done. it feels really good. i am, however, gonna play guitar for someone and maybe even write with someone just not sing. not do the “me” thing for awhile. its gonna be very liberatintg for me. i put alot of thought into it as well. it didnt just pass me by. ive been thinking i should do this for awhile but i was afraid because i was attached to all the things that come with playing music. i think i was afraid of losing my idenity if i stopped. but thats part of the bullshit that goes along with this that i want to get afraid of. its all false. it dosent weigh anything spiritually to be who i am in music, and no i havent found god or anything, but it just means nothing to be this person, this rock person. i couldnt even touch a guitar for months because i knew. it wasnt coming from a sencwe of wanting to play, it was because i had some sort of agenda. or a quota. like when cops start busting all these people on their beat, i start knocking out tunes because im supposed to or play because im supposed to. im not going to communicate that way anymore. but LETS FACE IT. im not a platnuim selling artist, im not some major contender out there, this isnt front page or even back page news. its just i quit. thats really all. i dont want to go on fighting for this kinda life or this job. i dont want to go on fighting for some “rock dream” because i dont even believe in that. i feel like that asshole in jerry macguire or something. but really i dont get any bang outta fighting my way through the rock world. it sucks. its not worth it. really im over-explaining. but i dont care anymore about it. i still like music. hell i played piano at home last night for an hour. but it began and ended right there. anyhow this is tooo long.
Re: -Props to Ryan- posted by RYAN on 4/10/03 12:12:26 AM
i did it at both shows however in nyc i offered the money over the mic and he didnt accept. i have to say that whole acoutsic tour broke my heart. it two pieces. i couldnt believe people would pay money to mock somebody. i mean, i meant everything and i guess thats hard to believe nowadays. giving a fuck is walking the line with people. they want concepts and dont want some loud mouth kid singing pain i guess. but i thought it was a ballsy thing to do. maybe even a little punk…you know…to go out there pretty much by myself, and we ran the soundsystems as low as they would go with the people in the back still being able to hear, so that i didnt have anything to rely on, or fall back on and it was SO FUCKING SCARY. and when those things started happening my heart just broke. it was like the people who i saw on the heartbreaker tour were gone and there were all these fucking idiots screaming out this JUVENILE shit. i mean, if it werent for the buzz i was copping i dont think i wouldve made it to the end of that tour. it was horrible. all i wanted to do was fucking play a song. thats all. and maybe be funny. fuck if that was okay. i hate going to shows now. I went to see SIGUR ROS at RADIO CITY and in these beutiful quiet moments where they broke this music down, and it was so fragile EVERY FUCKING TIME SOMEBODY SHOUTED AND YELLED OR SAID SOMETHING RUDE and it was just so sad and it was fucking up the show and i just dont understand people i guess. whatever
Todays Weather by Ryan posted by RYAN on 4/10/03 10:37:01 PM
okay, okay. i have a minute and i wanna explain myself to you nice people in the computer. Sans Moroccan Hash anyways. This is what I was on about last night. What I shouldve said is, “Im thinking about not releasing a record this year. at least, im thinking that maybe id have more fun doing something else. yes, currently im pretty grossed out with it all and you know, thats just life. everybody gets tired of their own little world, and well, i hate mine cause its never really mine. This person “SMJ, or whoever they were, they said it best.,….who would wanna play with him anyway with him being late and drunk and the lights are too bright” dont fuck up somebody elses good thing”….tthats not a direct quote but this person has it right. ……whats funny is , all i wanted when i play live is one set of lights. i mean, its not fucking starwars up there and i hate shows with all that fire and fucking laser beams….so im a prima donna because i want LESS. i get called a prima donna for that. fuckinf twat. I wanted it to be about the music not the lights…….THIS IS A SIMPLE EXAMPLE OF PETTY SHIT IHAVE TO GET all so i can play music the way i wanna. the whole thing about getting drunk…well yeah. i love it. love to get high. i dont shove it down anybodys throat but i do, im not gonna pretend i dont. AM I A SLACK MOTHERFUCKER? do i miss work because i get high. fucking no. i record 6 records three or four of which you dont have and maybe now you have some because of kazaa. (which by the way i totally support) but fuck you for your constant insensitivity and may i say that, outside of all this incredible support that i feel all the time from all these great people who love rock music, the negative bits are so fucking outrageous. i like music as much as i ever did. if i have to listen to one more fucking asshole go on about the “way it should be” or the things that didnt happen when they shouldve maybe i wont love it as much. I c ant fucking wait to make more records and i dont care how DRAMATIC im sounding. i just plain ole think ill have a better time doing it for myself for awhile. not doing it in front of people, for people, and espcially DESPITTE people. Its a real crap time out there for me. i hate it. so maybe ill go and work with somebody else for awhile….you know…CONTRIBUTE to their thing and have my amp and my own little space yto fill and go and do other shit………………….you know at some point, it feels like a bunch of lies. cause im not pushing anything on anybody. im not trying to sell rock roll relegion to anybody. i just loved it. i cant believe how much gets focused on getting wasted (which i NEVER am live by the way as much as i smoke or have some wine its impossible to fucking catch that kind of buzz in the middle of playing 20 fucking songs…sorry)…(well, maybe alitttttttle buzz) but i digress…because this response from this person it was perfect and the reason i wanted to come back on here and expland this thought. I dont QUIT my life or rocknroll or anything and FUCK YES i may change my mind tommorow but as for right now, i think i kind of like the idea of kicking around and catching up on alot of REAL things like not dealing with fuck-headed peoples opinions all the time. as tough as anybody is, like Lou -Reed tough, its impossible at some point to not be affected by what your tiny ass world thinks of you and the part of that which is negative does have affect. I wasnt ever trying to be ROCK “STAR”. i was actually being the same assshole i woulve been anyway except i wouldve quietly gotten away with it because you dont dissect and revere and hate the guy at the end of the bar that dosent have a story. you just dont care. the fact that for two seconds i had to be shallow enough to contemplate my place in all this is reason enough to fuck off for awhie or ever. i mean,…its just fucking records. its so crap its so not real dialogue. i love it, dont get me wrong, but i dont fucking love it that much……………anyway the only reason i said anything was becaause at some point people might wonder”what the fuck” and i dunno what the deal is with all these recordings and whatever but im sure theres enough around to do whatever anybody wants. Im not FRANTIC or being A fucking CRYBABY. I just dont giv e a shit. i give sso much of a shit about so many other things that fuck this sounds very nice. to be perfectly honest i find what i do pathetic at best and it will be a great burden lifted off my shoulders to not have to hear my own voice shredding my nerves out of my skull. it might be nice playing some guitar though. anyhow this is all very long winded and EMBARRASING, BUT I THOUGHT ITD sound more complete sans moroccan hash which, incidentally, is godamn mindblowing……..i hope we get some more snow. the orther night was such a dream. ive missed every snow in nyc from being gone in the last three years and two nights ago i wouldve fucked this citys brains out it was so georgeous. hell of a place to live. p.s. the show on the 4th isnt a last shebbang or anything it was booked for awhile so it isnt some CHER thing. its just a gig, and ill probably play the same old shit i always play with THe Pinkhearts wholl be there as well, hopefully with one mister Bucky Baxter back in the saddle. im off for some drinks. ta-ta- lovelys,….im sure ill regret writing any of this shit anyway. whatever.
oh yeah posted by RYAN on 4/10/03 10:45:40 PM
p.s. its wicked fun not posting in all caps. i even figured out the google image thing. awesome.
Re: and ryan..? posted by RYAN on 4/10/03 10:57:16 PM
not to sound funny about it, bacause im not being, but i bet that stuff i did already finds it way onto the net. that would be awesome. also….the dead—-holy shit-the dead are playing pnc bank arts center here- ONE NIGHT ONLY. i am so fucking there. awhile back i had a meetin g with bob weir and he said that maybe he andd i should do some writing. i told him i would do anything he asked no mattter whay. still no word, but a couple of hellos and whatnot…i mean he is BOB fucking WEIR…but i have somebody in mind who i wanna do some work with that i already know. nothings concrete and i dont wanna jinx it but it might be the thing i need. anyway….the dead….wow thats gonna smoke. im late. i better get off this fucking thing.
Re: and ryan..? posted by RYAN on 4/10/03 11:02:01 PM
most everybody has been real nice and cool about my little mariah cary 0n-line meltdown and i appreciate that. so thank you guys. youre the best and all the nice shit you guys say. and especiallly the assholes because it is in you that i shall find my salvation. (or some smartass henry miller ass comment here). by the way i hope you guys found that kenny roby record “rather not know” man that record kicks ass. apparently caitlin made a new one but i cant find it. anyhow the phones ringing like crazy gotta go. bye for now, ta-ta- bonjour or bonswa or whatthefuck ever.
Pretty great, huh?
In other news…Ryan Adams says heï¿½s playing a 2 hour free show on July 4 at Battery Park City. It’s a Friday! Fuck work.