I wrote something just now for something else… (huh?) It goes a little something like this:
Do you know how many times people have accused me of being “a groupie” and how many times I’ve vomited all over their shoes?
Zero.
If you can figure out what that means, you’re one step ahead of me.
There are many levels of Whoredom in the Music World. Feel free to correct me- it’s late and I’m on crack.
Some are:
A&R/ Record Execs- The have the money. They think the bands are their whores.
Promoters/ Venue owners- They don’t want the bands to be their whores, they just want to be able to sometimes treat them as their bitches.
Label employees- They’re there b/c they can get in for free and hob-nob with the “rock stars.” Usually arrive right before the headlining band- if not, usually stroll in during the last two songs of the set. They take to the drink a lot. “It’s on the tab!”
Bandaids- According to Cameron Crowe’s “Almost Famous,” bandaids are “there for the music”… they inspire it, they tag-along on tour, they’re welcome, and pretty but they’re not…
Girlfriends- the ones who GET to go on tour- those are very nice girls indeed. So nice you have to hold back the venom. So happy! So in love! You can usually spot them by the doe-eyed look of shiny blissfull contentment in eyes. They are not whores. Although a few are upgraded…
Groupies- a “groupie” is someone who sleeps with rock stars just to be around someone famous… so says “Almost Famous.” Can’t figure out what the name of the band is, where they’re from, what their music sounds like or which one is the lead singer. Sometimes ends up with a roadie they mistakenly think is the bassist or drummer. Non-existant clothing and wedge shoes added bonus.
Brit-pop fanatic fans- Pretty innocent. Never really whores. Harmless. If you count shreiking at the top of your lungs and giggling like a horde of schoolgirls as being harmless. They still wonder why Blur is dead. Oh yeah, you actually think they’re still together? Hahahahah. Ohmigod, Damon Albarn! Please sign my fanbook so I can write about it on my LiveJournal!
Emo fans- don’t call them “emo” or they might try to throw a ball of lint at you. Ow! Too busy crying over the last person to break their heart to really listen to the music. Doesn’t dare approach the band or anyone else for fear that someone might see them caring. Self-destructive, but harmless to you and yours.
Rock “journalist”- “writing” for a magazine/newspaper/publication. Takes in the “scene”.. either needlessly exaggerates and glorifies worthless rock stars or is extremely bitter and jaded in review of the show. Never talks about the music. Looks indifferent and hangs out in the back with a pen light. Has a failed band. Or two… or three… or is in one that is currently failing. Loser.
Hipsters- kids with a lot of money and a lot of time on their hands, under the impression if they keep going to the hyped shows they might eventually develop a personality or opinion of their own. Sometimes in it just for the afterparty… to say they’ve been. Sometimes leave before the headliner finishes citing that “pfft. they don’t even come anywhere NEAR the hype! Overrated!” They remember the last time they listened to a Barenaked Ladies CD.
That Weird Talking Guy- that guy who’s at every show, and makes a point of cornering the band asking exactly what the second verse of the b-side of the 3rd single of the album meant. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! (Who IS that guy?)
It’s late! It’s late! and I’m making no sense. Don’t worry, I’m not talking about any of you guys or myself. It’s those other people.
